2AM, sober and wide awake. I mean, if you’re definition of sober is not having one’s mind affected by alcohol, yes I definitely am. But if you mean like clearheaded or not jesting or trifling, I am not. Stuff makes me high. Basically, these trivial thoughts floating in my head make me high.
I’ve underestimated life. Suddenly, my views about it flashed before my eyes. How I viewed life when I was barely 4 then 7, 8, 9… yes, up to now. It’s completely different. Just when I thought it’s just about being the top of my class when I was elementary to whatever I don’t care puberty angst and my narrow existentialist view during high school to shit there’s more to life than academics while life’s unfairness keeps on slapping me in the face in every twists and turns it had laid on me since 2008 up to uh, check your calendar.
Allow me to use these lines from Bastille’s Get Home..
“All the things you’ve said, all the things you’ve done. Can you carry it with no regrets? Can you stand the person you’ve become?”
We all flirted with regrets at some point of our lives. Some of us are having an on-going relationship with it. Yeah, saying I didn’t know.. I should’ve— Endearing expressions in the said relationship; the most retaliatory and tormenting in the language. But… who the hell knows his/her own mind? I bet no one. This is the reason why we’re all messed up and ended up with regrets. Some of us can handle it in the most discrete and comprehensive manner. Lucky you if you’re one of these people.
Anyhoo. The things that we want play a great role on why we messed up and why our life’s fucked up. Coz it’s somehow like this, before we sleep we know what we want and certain that we can have/do it, but then, the next morning, in our front door, there are shiznits that really alter our viewpoint completely. Most of the time, those shiznits are huge, introduction to greater entropy in our system. Again, keeping our options open. Again, time to ponder. We have our ways of dealing with those shiznits. Some adore the invention of booze while others enjoy the pleasure of self-harm. Some just shrugged it off and eat ice cream… many different ways, temporary band aids I may say. Say lucky you, you do successfully collide with what you want, the question of holding on to it is on its way to you. Well then, unlucky you. The answer still lies on life’s bitches namely luck, timing, fate, destiny whatsoever. Bitches are bitches. We got no control on them. Looking at the big picture, we don’t have control over anything. This is life. Yes, we make decisions. Think we already have the control? No. Most of those decisions resulted from incontrollable considerations. The next thing we know, we’re asking ourselves why the hell we are at where we are. Even though we know that we wanted to be wherever we are, we just keep on denying it. We trap ourselves. We mess up. Things just don’t turn out to be the way we want it to be. But then, all we have to do is to move along. Get by. Ending your life is not a solution. It’s an act of selfishness, passing the pain and burden to those who you will leave behind. No one is entitled to end his/her own life or to be unhappy forever. No one wants to be a loser.
It’s not as easy as I wrote it there because again, life itself is a mess. It’s just we always have a choice. We do not have control over anything but we have a choice which is more powerful than decision; choice which come along with reasons. Yes, reasons. This is somehow what I am thankful for about religion. A lot of people get by because of their faith to their god/gods, their reason. Anyway, reasons. Be it your god. Be it yourself or others. Be it the crappy movies you’ll watch in the future or the people you will offend. Be it your smile or friendship that means a lot to others. Be it the music you’ll make and/or the people you’ll inspire. Maybe your life is the reason of someone’s existence because, you know, we’re living with billions of others. Come on. Name it. Don’t tell me there’s no reason to go along because it’s the perks of living, having beautiful reasons. Give people you want to live their reason to live. Affirmations. Maybe you haven’t found yours at the moment. So be it the reason to move along then. If you cling on to the reason, no matter how messed up or fucked up your life is, you’ll end up picking yourself up, trying again but this time smarter. You need a pinch or two of acceptance and zero fuck to whatever bringing you down and then trying again. Trying is the way we get through the day. Desires will play just a little role in the game. Living for reasons is the shiz, yeah.
Above are the realizations I chose to realize (whut. Haha.) I’m not that happy but I’m okay. I rant about things but I’m okay. There’ll always be pain, suffering, and couple of unexpected setbacks, but it’s okay. It’s life. We’ll cry, love, laugh, get angry, get pissed off, and whatsoever. It’s okay, we’re human. I’m okay because I know I’m trying; because I have reasons to try and move along. Just like these few words from Envy on the Coast’s song,
“I’m not afraid, at least not to die. I’m afraid to live and not remember why”
Shit happens. And even shits have reasons. Haha. But then, everything’s a matter of choice. At the end of every fvcking day, I’d choose to be okay and be a better person. I may still give in sometimes but sure I’m not giving up. I hope you, too.